No one really knows what's going on here. Why we are here, what any of us are doing, the future of things, was there life before, will there be life after, or does any of it matter? When most of us feel the weight of these questions we turn to books written hundreds upon thousands of years ago or new age books that are spin off's of ancient texts and use those words as a means of grounding the self reality into something more comprehensible.
When I was a very young boy, less than 5 years old I would say, one of my first real friends was my Great Grandmother. We spent endless hours together, while I don't recall what things we did or what was said, I remember her energy, the warmth of her friendship. I remember her treating me with kindness and respect as any adult should give a fellow adult. There came a day when her youth caught up with her and I had to learn what it meant to get a little older. I remember she was laying on her bed and I was holding her hand, by her side. She seemed to have slipped into a strange kind of slumber, then a sudden stillness. I remember what it was to hold her hand at that moment. It was the first time I lost a friend.
I've lost a few friends over the years, which a few too many. It's a natural thing and that is what is my salvation from despairing feelings. What makes my heart hurt to unimaginable extents are when close friends are going through things in their life that bring them down to such lows that they want to remove themselves from their life experience. It's a hard thing to hear and feel because it takes me back to times close friends actually did it. It's surreal to lose a friend that way. It's confusing and leaves a mark on your heart that never goes away.
When a friend feels that low, my heart is soft for them, tender, kind, because all i want to do is take their pain away for them. There is little to nothing I can do, as it is all a choice their own, the way they feel. If that ends up being their choice, I really have no choice but to accept that it happened and respect their choice. I sure do my best to share with them the multitude of reasons why life is amazing, in hopes to convince them otherwise.
My ultimate resolve is that we all end at some point anyway, so why cut yourself short? Let the universe have that honor. It gave you life to begin with. You only have this body once. Every moment only happens once.
I try to imagine what it would be like to have to live without my friends and I know life goes on. I also know that's not the life I'm wanting to live, that's why I have my close friends as my close friends in the first place, I fucking like having them around.
Life is hard. Life is beautiful. Life is therapy if you let it be.
I love you.
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