It's been almost two months since my last entry in here. I've been through so much that everyday feels like a year that passed. To write again, to write here, right here, feels like being held in my mother's arms after not seeing her for so very long.
Speaking of my mother, today is her birthday. Let's talk about my mother some.
She is a fascinating woman. When we first met, a doctor was pulling me out of her with a plunger (seriously ), where upon greeting the world, the doctor, and my mother, I took my first breath. Sometimes I wonder what her first thoughts when seeing me were. I might ask her that when i talk to her later today.
My mother did her best raising me, she loved and treasured me despite having an excruciating time trying to understand me. I recall one day returning from high school to hear her listening to one of my Led Zeppelin albums, which on this curiously unusual taste in her music selection prompted the question, "What made you want to listen to Led Zeppelin, mom?" She then responded, "I wanted to try to understand you better. i thought maybe if i listened to the music you like, it might give me some idea." I wished her luck with that and headed to my room. It is obviously impossible to truly understand anyone since we are all so ridiculously complex, not to mention constantly changing, yet over time I grew fond of that memory, for it is quite a treasure to have a mother who desired to attempt to do so.
My mother has not really had a great deal of money in her life but she's worked hard for the money she earned. She worked 2 jobs when i was in school and even though she couldn't afford to, she would and still does send me money on my birthdays and holidays that are gift oriented. I treasure that she does that more than the check she sends which feels like a dull rusty knife of guilt slowly tearing the flesh of my body as i cash it, because its just the thoughtfulness of a wonderful mother who would give like that.
Sometimes when i think of my mother, I want to give her the whole world. Every year, the older I get the more I love her and value that i have such a great mother. She doesn't live so close to me anymore. We used to live close by and have breakfast in the mornings and have long talks over coffee. There also times i feel like shit because i wish I spent more time with her while she lived close. There are times i feel like shit because now that she lives in Michigan, i don't call her as often as i feel like i should. That doesn't mean i don't think about her everyday or love her any less. Sometimes i daydream that i'll sell a couple paintings, enough to get ahead on bills, and fly up to her and surprise her with a big hug and we can have long talks and coffee like old times.
I miss my mother's face and the artful way she would listen to me when i would tell her what i had going on in my life or what kind of reckless, wild things any mother would not approve of. I've never been the type of person who could be told what to do, i'm more of a make a lot of mistakes but at least they were mine to make sort of person. i think she knew that because after i'd tell her something i did that i knew was hardly community oriented, she would say," and what do you think about that?" or "How do you feel about that?" which would then force me to take another look at myself, analyze and in so many ways, make me a better person.
More reasons why my mother is an incredible person: She holds to her conviction. When she says she is going do something, she fucking means it. She doesn't play games. At all. I'd say she was less stubborn and it's more that she just has a lot of backbone.
Also, while she has very strong opinions about things, she won't mention them unless asked and she is totally okay with other people having their own opinions. I don't know too many people like that.
My mother is incredible because she took a job that I honestly feel is beneath her but offered her the opportunity for transfer-ability so she could move up-country on a moments notice to take care of her mother ( my grandmother). I feel like this is an outstanding show of character. Most people put their folks in nursing homes and stop caring. My mother took this as an opportunity to get to know her mother and by doing so, learn more about her own self. She is like that, always learning and growing in each new experience.
It's valentine's day and every time I've had a lady-friend to celebrate the occasion with in my heart, i was always honoring my mother. The few times in my life I found someone I felt was of enough stature to be my girlfriend, she would advise me to live for that special someone and really appreciate that person. That's something I've gotten better at over the years, but life is a learning process, trial and error. I sometimes look back and wish I had been more kind in many conversations I've had with many people but all i can do is choose to be kind in all of my future ones. Time is cool like that.
I don't know if anyone could say if i'm a good or bad person, ( depends on who you ask, i'm sure. ) but i appreciate her eternally for, no matter what, always taking time out of her life to love me and think of me. I am her son and that means a lot to her. That may sound obvious, but sometimes saying that out loud or writing it down, there's a lot of weight to it. It's important to feel the magnitude of that.
Mom, if you happen to read this, i'm sorry i won't get to see you on your birthday. I hope by pouring my heart out about how much you mean to me, can in some way, compensate for my absence. I love you. You'll always be my valentine :)
PS. Feelgood Fans, if you're alive and able, tell your mother you love her, whether on good terms or not. At the end of the day, they're people too, just like me or you. It's good to be recognized for being who you are. Especially, I'd imagine, for being someone as important in life, as being a mother.