Who am I? In this experience of consecutive moments strung together in a seemingly random collection of chaos and connection that we call life, and moreover, reality, we have with great intent and purpose, posed the question and with all that we are as living beings, consciously and subconsciously explored the definition and answer to that question.
Who am I? In the eyes of strangers to myself I have been known to be an intriguing, eccentric, profound mystery of a persona, an artist of many expressions, painting, writing, cinema, philosophy, and at the core, perhaps the most fascinating aspect of the character I am to them is my ability to be all of these things so effortlessly.
In the eyes of my friends and acquaintances, I am all of those things, yet they have a more clear and concise view of what drives me. They know me as a man who is careful, yet in love with chaos, a man who has a deep passion and respect for possibility, to such an extent that I invest in the potential in others so that they too might see the potential in themselves.
In the eyes of my lovers, I am thoughtful, generous, kind, compassionate, and exponentially patient.
To me, my greatest work of art has been, is at this moment and will be, god willing, for quite some time to come, my life as a human being. I did not always have ambitions to be an artist. When I was a boy, I wanted to be a geneticist. My Grandfather, a prominent doctor in Atlanta and graduated atomic physicist would share with me in my childhood, knowledge of quantum-electro dynamics and genetic coding, among many other fascinating subjects.
As I grew older I found an overwhelming need to connect with others, to be social. I found it difficult to relate to others as most of my peers were into sports and school agenda, while I was contemplating riddles of the universe and how everything interacts with everything else. I have painted hundreds of paintings, sold them all over the world, written countless poems, produced a handful of short films, authored a children’s book and novel, and hosted events to showcase all of my works throughout my time. Knowing all of this I feel what is important is not specifically what I’ve done or why I do what I do, but what it is that I find enjoyable in what it is about art and creating that I find beautiful.
Painting is to me as breathing is to you. I see everything as a painting; it is my way of expressing my perception of the world. I am married to it. There are times I am in love with it and when I am painting, it is as if my soul were making love to the art form itself. There are times I hate it because there is only so much it can offer me. As we all know, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
When I step out of my studio, put down the paintbrush and pick up a pen, I find my mistress. I cheat on my true love with the written word. While I feel guilt and shame in betraying what I love and respect so much, I do find in writing, a certain vulnerability, an emotional understanding, and most of all a way to create what colors cannot.
Much as a man would have a wife and perhaps a mistress, yet his passion were working on a hot rod or his sailboat in his spare time, this is how I feel about producing cinema. It is my secret passion. It is something I feel inferior in and yet love to do. When I have the time, I run with it the only way I know how. The beauty in my film work is hardly in its content, clever as it may be, but it’s the process in which I go about producing them that I love the most.
Who am I? People spend their entire lives searching for that answer and the truth is that there is no answer. All that is, is all we have, it’s what we make of it that counts. We are all artists in our own right, expressing how we feel about what we are perceiving and our place in the universe.
Constantly trying to identify and label everything. At the end of the day, at the end of this article, even at the end of this sentence, I really don’t care who I am, because I am anything I allow myself to be, which, for every aspect of the concept, is creation itself.
Love for all of you,
It will always be you. I know this because you stir my heart like no other. Because in all my works of art, you are my fuel, you are the air I am breathing, and maybe I am the fool for loving you so very much, as I do, but how can one refrain from what compels him so? It's that between time and space, I still feel you, among the many, there is no hiding the real you from me, your eyes are still those lovely ones I know and beyond that measure my heart for you still grows. In words of yours, I can hear your song, and even now I can write and speak of you in such a way all the day is long. When we meet in the meadow, and I feel our souls touch, it's all I ever wanted, ever needed, and it's always just enough. I know it's you because for you I always choose to be patient and kind, to listen and heed to your wise advice. You're my mirror, my reflection, my love, and my resurrection. No matter how little the words I can gainfully employ to describe all that you are, you are more than the ever present sunset, you are my star.
That being said, let us dreamshift.
This year I have found myself. I sacrificed all that I had in order to do so, and with the love, kindness, and support of others, I was able to survive what the universe deemed necessary to find me bowing before its greatness. What i have discovered in the great expanse of all there is out there and within here, is a great and single truth:
The universe shall provide.
It may drag you kicking and screaming, undergoing tedious scenarios that inspire ample doubt in the plans of the universe, but always, always, always, everything you are going through is a part of something bigger than you, and you are so very important, as tiny and fragile as you are, so that the whole ordeal may be seen through. Whether you are living or dying, you being here to experience at all is just as important as an ant making its way or a star twinkling high in the beyond of which we dream upon.
Surrender to it. Believe in it. Trust it. It is why you are here and that deserves respect.
Now lets dreamshift again.
Here I am, with immense peace of mind, humbled by the universe, having a new respect for all that I am, all that i am apart of, and my individual place in everything, accepting that we are all of this status, in this way we are created equal, our bodies are each a temple built in honor of the great machine of the universe at work. It is our duty to honor the temple by taking great care of it.
The rest of my life will be dedicated to showing that appreciation for the vessel i have been given.
See you next year Feelgood Fans. I love you and thank you for your support. <3
chapter eleven : The direction of love
Water hurts when you haven’t had it in a long time and you’ve been running most of the day. It almost makes your mouth drier after it’s swallowed. My eyes are closed tightly as I try to suck water out of my cupped hands. The small pool of water I found is my salvation for the moment while I catch my breath and quench my thirst. I feel compelled to look back from where I came just to retrace my footsteps. Out of exhaustion, I just sit, drinking and breathing heavily. Sometimes these human bodies really suck. Everything in me is screaming, GO! GO! GO! And this body just whimpers, no, no, no. Looking back is a waste anyway, I know full and well where I came from, it’s where I’m headed that matters.
The sun sparkles in the pool like a thousand splinters in the ripples as my hands drop water I didn’t drink. The sparkles remind of the stars on a particular night. I lose myself in the splinters of the sun dancing in the water, I find myself in a memory…
It’s night, before we sleep, we smoke a cigarette and share stories of different pasts but similar views and when she speaks my soul is warmed by her energies many hues.
When I hold her in my arms, it feels just right. It feels like I’m not forcing it and its just falling into place like perfect puzzle pieces placed by practiced puzzle players. I love to feel the warmth of her body entangled with mine as she falls asleep. It charges my heartbeat with a quick pulse of excitement because I know she has such a hard time sleeping but in our embrace her rest is deep and soothing.
I get home from working, the bed is made, laundry is put in the closet and all I can think of is how I could have this forever.
The night before, we laid silent for a good bit of time before we exchanged a particular kind of dialogue, the quiet of the night kind, the hide how you feel but still this certain level of intimacy kind. I reach for her and she comes to me. I hold her. My head nuzzled against hers, my arm wraps around her tummy like a safety belt, my legs tangled into hers and I hear her thoughts change rapidly. From there, my soul scans her body and I feel the beating of her heart racing, the quickness of her breath. She is excited, anxious, and nervous of the moment that she is held by me. In her mind she is talking to me. There is more to this than she speaks of. She does not know how she feels about me. She knows the power I have is the doorway to her greatness and somewhere in that she is curious if I will kiss her.
When we talk, we feel compelled to be honest and withhold nothing; we are scared that after finding endless connections to each other that the road will end; the honesty will pay off and pave miles more.
The lining of my stomach turns inside out to evaluate the overwhelming population of butterflies when I take a moment to look through her eyes. Her eyes are hungry for the power within me, she wants it, wants to learn of it and rise to her potential. She loves me for this possibility and because I am so giving to her.
I know that I love her, not for the reasons she loves me, but love nonetheless. I can’t seem to choose to love her as my student, sister, or lover.
I am afraid to love her as my lover.
I am afraid I already do.
I can’t see the city in the horizon yet but I can tell by the vibrations in the ground I’m going the right direction. My heartbeat has slowed with my resting and I push hard again. I can feel my heart pummel into everything it surrounds with every new beat and every beat brings me closer.
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